Dear Mr./Mrs. AGENT NAME,
Seventeen-year-old Heiren Delaire thinks her peasant father is a fool for setting off after Erhistaut, the sword of miracles. That’s before he’s murdered by the demon Arawn.
Heiren spent her life protecting her ill father, the last living member of her family. Now she wants revenge for his death, even if it means hunting down the legendary sword, Erhistaut, to get it. Forged at the dawn of the First Age, the sword is the source of the demons’ powers. If Heiren can overcome its demonic influence, Erhistaut’s destruction will vanquish Arawn.
Arawn cares little for Heiren's quest until he realizes she is the one. The one the angels will use as their pawn and guide to the sword, ending their age-old battle. While the angels can protect Heiren from death, they can’t protect everything she loves. Arawn will torture her friends and demolish the realm of Andumir to stop her.
It’s not just about revenge anymore. The fate of a kingdom rests in Heiren’s hands. She presses onward even though she knows the moment she touches Erhistaut, the demons will come back. All of them.
ERHISTAUT is a 73,000-word fantasy novel for young adults. Thank you for your time and consideration.
This revision reads much better. The author has obviously put a lot of constructive thought into it and it shows!
The only quibble I have is in the last descriptive paragraph. I think maybe we need to know that she can’t defeat the demons until they’re back in this world. That she has to lure them all back in order to destroy them when she destroys the sword – if that’s the case. But if she’s the angels’ pawn, does she really know that touching the sword will bring back the demons?
You can fudge details a bit in the query to simplify things at need, of course. But her knowing and being a pawn seem to contradict each other.
Do realize that I’m reading quite closely here, though, and it may not seem such a quibble on a quick read before the agent glances at the accompanying page samples.
OK, I lied. I do have one more quibble: “the last living member of her family” isn’t quite accurate since Heiren’s alive too. Maybe “the only other living member” instead?
Aside from those small issues, I think this is ready to take out for a test drive! Good job!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Query 82: Redux 2