The Family Grim
[Author's note (feel free to discuss in the comments): I found myself changing the query to the point that it no longer remained true to the story (I wonder if that happens to others?) Anyway, the new version remains true to the story ...]
Two hundred years ago Death’s most feared servant, the infamous Grim Reaper, sacrificed his immortality for the woman he loved, entrusting his eternal duty to his future descendants: the Family Grim. Three generations later, Jude Grim struggles to balance his deathly duties as a reaper with his life as a high school student buried in the shadow of his twin brother Drew, the local golden boy.
The twins may share the same unusual bloodline, but that doesn’t make them friends. Drew’s lust for blood and Jude’s compassionate soul have turned the two of them into bitter enemies. Adding to the rivalry is Skylar Petersen, Drew’s girlfriend and Jude’s lifelong crush. One night Drew goes too far, abusing his powers to murder a classmate who embarrassed him at school and then hiding the body in a nearby river. When Skylar discovers his secret, Drew adds her to his body count.
A heart-broken Jude is determined to save her. He pursues a forbidden remedy: seeds from the legendary Tree of Life. The seeds hold the power to reverse a reaper’s kill, but will only work for a short time following the victim’s death. With Drew hot on his trail and Death watching their every move, Jude has twenty four hours to find the tree and bring Skylar back before she’s lost forever. If Jude succeeds, his future will then be decided by Death himself, a man not known for his forgiveness.
THE FAMILY GRIM, a young adult fantasy novel, is complete at 72,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
I'm left with only a few minor nits that probably won't matter much in the grand scheme whether you choose to address them or not.
P1: I'm not sure "buried" is your best word choice to go with "shadow" (although it works well with the whole death theme!).
P2: The "lust for blood" description makes it seem that Drew may have already gone too far in the past, so going too far now seems a bit off. Plus, adding Skylar to his body count when there seems to be just one in the count so far seems a bit hyperbolic.
P3: Delete "then". And is Death really a man? Maybe just change to "someone" or "Death".
What I especially like about this storyline -- and about The Guardian Legacy storyline we saw earlier -- is that these have male MCs in a category dominated by female MCs. I'm betting this will get requests simply based on that. Above and beyond that, though, this is a great query that will likely garner requests from those agents who might be on the fence about the male MC.
Best of luck, and let us know how the agent hunt goes!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Query 51: Redux 2
The Family Grim