Friday, December 10, 2010

Synopsis 10: Redux

All Things Together for Good

ANAIIYA flees in terror as the gargoyles pursue her through the streets of LARYIAL. She frantically tries to evade the infuriated monsters who think her a thief, but she cannot outrun creatures who can fly. They catch her. She thinks quickly and keeps them talking until dawn, when they must let her go or face permanent blindness or even death.

The gargoyles awaken at sunset to find nine dead or unconscious men sprawled across their balcony. They almost kill Anaiiya—collapsed beside the bodies under her own injuries—until she explains herself. She attacked the ‘pro-human’ fanatics known as the JYNGOS, who seek the destruction of all Mystic Races, before they could slaughter the gargoyles in their sleep. The gargoyles ‘sleeping’ on the balcony—frozen in place but fully awake and aware—back up her story, and they invite her to live with them in the Tower if she will guard them during the day.

The Jyngos attack the Tower again and kidnap Anaiiya at the behest of their wealthy and mysterious benefactor, who wants her alive. When she refuses to join their cause, the Jyngos use a potion to keep her unconscious until their patron can claim her. But the potion doesn’t work like it’s supposed to, and she escapes.

Anaiiya runs for the Tower, screaming for the gargoyles to save her. But once again it is the gargoyles who need saving. The Jyngos are attacking the Tower again. Anaiiya blacks out and awakens covered in blood to find thirty men dead by her hand. Now even the gargoyles begin to suspect the truth: Anaiiya isn’t human. But with no memories before the age of five, Anaiiya has no idea what manner of monster can kill thirty men single-handedly and feel little remorse.

Anaiiya’s inhumanity becomes more apparent every day. The river boils and the earth shakes when she sings. Drops of blood play symphonies only she can hear. As she flexes her newfound supernatural muscles, she catches the attention of SEFAL, who claims to be her father.

He is Nephilim—a half-demon abomination with all the powers of Hell at his command. The last of his kind, he is suffered to exist only because of an ancient bargain that forbids him from producing more than one child, making Anaiiya his only hope for restoring Nephilim to the world. Sefal tells her that Good and Evil are myths; lies perpetrated by an indifferent Creator whose selfish ideas about sin and sacrifice cause needless suffering for mortals. The Nephilim can set the world right…by ruling over it. Anaiiya laughs at him until Sefal lashes out with a burst of dark magic and transforms into a black-winged giant. Demons whirl around his head until Anaiiya flees in terror.

The Guardian Lord TARCOS arrives to prevent the war set in motion by the Jyngos. Sworn enemy race of the Nephilim, Guardians are chosen rather than born and endowed with incredible powers. They can speak any language, take any form, and their songs can do anything from healing bruises to destroying stars. Tarcos restores Anaiiya’s memories and discovers that she is also a Guardian, but the darkness in her blood hides her father’s identity from him. He leaves to meet with the Mystic Races, who have declared war against the humans who have killed so many of their kin.

Anaiiya is left with memories of the deranged Queen hurling her from the cliffs during an ice storm. Her memories and Sefal’s words haunt her until she sneaks into the palace to confront her mother. Is she born of demons, or chosen by the Creator? Could she possibly be…both?

The Queen is as mad as the rumors claim, but she instantly recognizes the bastard daughter she tried to kill fifteen years ago. She says Anaiiya will bring about the end of the world and attacks her repeatedly with an axe. Anaiiya loses control and stabs her mother through the heart.

The gargoyles banish Anaiiya from the Tower for killing the Queen. Sefal finds her and again urges her to join him, offering immortality to her and salvation for her tribe in exchange for restoring the Nephilim and seizing control of the Earth, beginning with Laryial. His clever words confuse her, but she doesn’t agree to join him. Yet.

PRINCE XOZER, Anaiiya’s half-brother, is not the monster the rumors claim. He sends for the woman who lives with gargoyles and promises the queen’s madness died with her. He vows to destroy the Jyngos and restore the gargoyles to their place of honor. Doubtful, Anaiiya uses the Guardian skill of blood-reading to see if he is telling the truth. His blood wails from years of unthinkable abuse at his mother’s hands, but sings with determination to overcome it. She believes Xozer will make a good King.

Sefal loses his patience and springs his trap during Xozer’s coronation. The Jyngo leader JOKLAS—Xozer’s blood cousin and a general in the Laryial armies—steals a drop of Xozer’s blood and seals it within two glass vials to cast his spell. Xozer falls to the ground, dying at the hands of dark Nephilim magic. Anaiiya must break the innermost vial to save Xozer, but she cannot do that without shattering the outer glass—which will cause the Tower to collapse.

Now Anaiiya must choose: Save her half-brother and the Tower collapses, destroying the only family she has ever known. Save her tribe and Xozer dies—leaving Joklas as the only heir to the throne. As King he will wage war against the Mystic Races and cost countless lives, both human and otherwise. Anaiiya could try to seize control of Laryial herself despite her illegitimate birth, but that means rejecting the Guardians—for no Guardian may reign over a mortal kingdom—and sparking a civil war against armies loyal to Joklas. If she chooses the path of selfishness, she seals her fate as a Nephilim. Their dark race will roam the Earth once more and eventually destroy it.

Xozer is dying in her arms. The fate of the world is encased in glass, trembling in Anaiiya's fist. Howling in anguish, Anaiiya crushes both vials. Xozer recovers as the Tower collapses. The last gargoyle tribe is dead. Anaiiya pours out her wrath upon Joklas and pulls his blood out through his skin until he falls down dead.

Tarcos, drawn to Laryial by Anaiiya’s grief, bursts into the air and attacks Sefal. Sefal mutters black incantations as Tarcos changes form and hurls himself through the cloud of demons protecting the Nephilim. They cast spells and throw each other across the courtyard. When he realizes he cannot beat the Guardian, Sefal attacks the fleeing peasants instead. Tarcos breaks off his attack to protect the innocent humans. Anaiiya joins the fight and shears off one of Sefal’s wings, but hesitates to kill him. Sefal promises that Anaiiya will never know peace or happiness until she joins him, and vanishes.

The Mystic Races refuse to rescind their declaration of war until Anaiiya threatens to kill them all if they allow her tribe’s death to be in vain. After hours of debate, and with the weight of the Guardians’ disapproval pressing down upon them, the Mystic Races hammer out a treaty with Xozer: Humans will kill all Jyngos on sight and avoid the Mystic Races’ territory, and the Mystic Races will not wipe humanity from the face of the Earth.

The Guardians gather together all the scattered remnants of the destroyed tribes. Sixty-three gargoyles are under the protection of the Mystic Races, and Anaiiya finds some measure of peace in knowing that gargoyles will flourish again before she departs with the Guardians to embrace her new destiny as a protector of Creation.

Comments

Ahem. 1286 words. To be acceptable to a lot of agents, and be generally acceptable here ;o), it will need to lose 25% of those words to stay neatly under 2 pages.

It does read much, much better than the previous version, I think, and answers most of the questions we had here before. I've done an edit to bring it down to 935 words and make it fit right at 2 pages. It's still a tiny bit "this happens then this happens," but you'll need to decide if it's worth short-changing plot or characterization in the synopsis. As it is, I think it's serviceable enough and reads well -- not that anyone likes reading them anyway.

An interesting note: Blogger automatically corrected all double spaces after periods in the synopsis to single spaces. Single spacing after periods is generally fine.

My Revision

ANAIIYA flees in terror as gargoyles pursue the thief they think she is through the streets of Laryial. But she cannot outrun creatures who can fly. They catch her. Thinking quickly, she keeps them talking until dawn, when they must let her go or face permanent blindness or even death.

The gargoyles awaken at sunset to find Anaiiya and nine men--some dead, some unconscious—sprawled across their balcony. They're about to kill Anaiiya until she claims she attacked the ‘pro-human’ fanatics known as the JYNGOS, who seek the destruction of all Mystic Races, before they could slaughter the gargoyles in their sleep. One gargoyle ‘sleeping’ on the balcony—frozen in place but fully awake and aware—backs up her story, and the gargoyles invite her to live with them in the Tower if she will guard them during the day.

But Anaiiya has now called attention to herself and the Jyngos kidnap her at the behest of their wealthy benefactor who wants her alive. The potion they use to keep her unconscious until their patron can claim her wears off far more quickly than expected, though, and she escapes.

When she reaches the Tower, the Jyngos are attacking it again. Anaiiya blacks out and awakens covered in blood to find thirty men dead by her hand. Now even the gargoyles begin to suspect the truth: Anaiiya isn’t human.

Anaiiya’s inhumanity becomes more apparent every day. The river boils and the earth shakes when she sings. Drops of blood play symphonies only she can hear. As she flexes her newfound supernatural muscles, she catches the attention of SEFAL, who claims to be her father.

He is Nephilim—a half-demon abomination and the last of his kind, with all the powers of Hell at his command. An ancient bargain forbids him from producing more than one child, making Anaiiya his only hope for restoring Nephilim to the world. Sefal tells her that Good and Evil are myths; lies perpetrated by a Creator whose selfish ideas about sin and sacrifice cause needless suffering for mortals. The Nephilim can set the world right--by ruling over it. Anaiiya laughs at him until Sefal lashes out with a burst of dark magic and transforms into a black-winged giant. Demons whirl around his head and Anaiiya flees in terror.

The Guardian Lord TARCOS arrives to prevent the war set in motion by the Jyngos. Sworn enemy race of the Nephilim, Guardians are chosen rather than born, and endowed with incredible powers. They can speak any language, take any form, and their songs can do anything from heal bruises to destroy stars. Tarcos restores memories taken from Anaiiya when she was five and discovers she is also a Guardian, but the darkness in her blood hides her true father’s identity.

Anaiiya now remembers her mother—the Queen--hurling her from the cliffs during an ice storm, and she sneaks into the palace to confront the Queen about her birth. Is she born of demons or chosen by the Creator? Could she possibly be…both?

The Queen is as mad as the rumors claim, but she instantly recognizes the bastard daughter she tried to kill fifteen years ago. Screaming that Anaiiya will bring the end of the world, the Queen attacks her repeatedly with an axe. Anaiiya loses control and stabs her mother through the heart.

Knowing how vulnerable and alone she is now, Sefal again urges her to join him, offering immortality to her and salvation for her tribe in exchange for restoring the Nephilim and seizing control of the Earth, beginning with Laryial. His clever words confuse her, but she doesn’t agree to join him. Yet.

PRINCE XOZER, Anaiiya’s half-brother, sends for Anaiiya, promising the queen’s madness died with her. He vows to destroy the Jyngos and restore the gargoyles to their place of honor. Using the Guardian skill of blood-reading, Anaiiya determines he's telling truth--Xozer will make a good King.

Sefal loses patience and springs a trap during Xozer’s coronation. He has the Jyngo leader JOKLAS—Xozer’s blood cousin—steal a drop of Xozer’s blood and seal it within two glass vials. Xozer falls to dark Nephilim magic. To save Xozer, Anaiiya must break the innermost vial, but she cannot do that without shattering the outer glass—which will cause the Tower to collapse.

Now Anaiiya must choose: Save her half-brother and the Tower collapses, destroying the only family she has ever known. Save her tribe and Xozer dies—leaving Joklas, next in line for the throne, to ally with Sefal and wage war against the Mystic Races. Howling in anguish, Anaiiya crushes both vials. Xozer recovers as the Tower collapses. The last gargoyle tribe is gone. Anaiiya pours out her wrath upon Joklas and pulls his blood out through his skin until he falls dead.

Tarcos, drawn by Anaiiya’s grief, bursts into the air and attacks Sefal. Anaiiya joins the fight and shears off one of Sefal’s wings, but hesitates to kill him. Sefal vows Anaiiya will never know peace or happiness until she joins him, and vanishes.

Under threat by Anaiiya, the Mystic Races grudgingly hammer out a treaty with Xozer: Humans will kill all Jyngos on sight and avoid the Mystic Races’ territory, and the Mystic Races will not wipe humanity from the face of the Earth.

The Guardians gather the last remnants of the gargoyle nation and place them under the protection of the Mystic Races. Anaiiya finds some measure of peace in knowing that gargoyles will flourish again before she departs with the Guardians to embrace her new destiny as a protector of Creation.

2 comments:

beckahrah said...

Praise the Creator; Phoenix doesn't hate it! I can breathe now, lol. Thank you!!!

vkw said...

Actually I thought this was very good. Yes it was a bit long. Too many details. I find the names of places and characters distracting because I had to continue referring to their introductions to find out who they are.

Maybe I think the synopsis is good because I thought the story sounds good now. To be honest, I wasn't thrilled about before. You answered a lot of questions.

I hope you get some offers on this