Face-Lift 823: The Green Tower
Lianne Stracker, professional assassin in service of the Winged Empire, needs a holiday. However, when her airship crashes, she takes it personally and decides to look into it. She’s not inclined to put up with this sort of nonsense, especially when she’s certain the airship was sabotaged, and resolves to make whoever’s behind the attempt on her life pay.
Lianne enlists the help of an imperial sorcerer named Arus; he suspects a plot against the Empire, and together they discover she wasn’t the only victim. A pattern emerges from their investigations: the attacks appear to be targeted at the Empire’s magic converters, a technology newly integrated into the Empire’s energy infrastructure.
Furthermore, the source of these attacks appears to be an ancient green tower out in the countryside. Expecting the worst, Lianne and Arus venture out to the tower, but all they find there is a strange young woman and her flock of pure-white songbirds.
Soon enough, airship crashes rapidly escalate into charred airfields and whole cities in smoking ruins. With the imperial troops tied up in rescue work, it’s up to Lianne and Arus to find the answers: why are these attacks happening? How do the green tower and its occupants fit into the picture? Most importantly, how can they stop this nonsense before the whole Empire melts down into one huge mess?
THE GREEN TOWER is a fantasy/steampunk novel at 100,000 words.
Thanks you for your consideration,
I think this version does a better job at laying out the mystery, so it's better in that regard -- with two exceptions. You haven't given us a concrete obstacle/antagonist. You've forced a list of questions on us at the end. Wrapping up with one question is often one too many. Three is squirm-inducing, I'm afraid.
Personally, I also think it's a mistake to suppress your voice as much from the version we saw on Evil Editor's site as you've done here. I think there's a way you can marry the mystery with the voice for a greater-than-sum-of-the-whole effect.
Business is booming thanks to [the shenanigans of the Cheat Street Boys] and Lianne Stracker, professional assassin in service of the Winged Empire, needs a holiday. But when the private airship she's on crashes, its newly refurbished engines sabotaged, Lianne resigns herself to a little unpaid, off-duty work. No one gets away with ruining her vacation.
Enlisting the help of Arus, an imperial sorcerer, Lianne discovers she may not have been the primary target after all. There have been other attacks and the pattern points to the one thing they all have in common: the Empire's new magic converters, a technology recently integrated into the Empire’s energy infrastructure. It was bad enough when Lianne thought there was a contract on her life. But finding out she was just collateral damage -- now that's an insult she really can't ignore.
Soon enough, airship crashes rapidly escalate and generators throughout the Empire start exploding, leaving airfields charred and whole cities in smoking ruins. With the imperial troops tied up in rescue work, it’s up to Lianne and Arus to find the answers. The only lead they have, though, is an ancient green tower that stands at the center of the destruction. If they can't figure out what the tower and its occupants -- a strange young woman and her flock of pure-white songbirds -- have to do with such sophisticated attacks and stop all this nonsense, it won't be long before the whole Empire melts down into one huge mess.
What they don't know is that their every move is being watched by the mastermind behind it all -- and said genius isn't about to let two menial government servants foil him now.
THE GREEN TOWER is a steampunk mystery complete at 100,000 words.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Query Revision 45
Face-Lift 823: The Green Tower