Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Query 47: Redux

The Guardian Legacy
(New Titile)

Dear Agent:

Rogue FBI agents aren’t supposed to have magical swords, glowing grey eyes, or superhuman speed. Then again, young Lincoln Taylor shouldn’t be able to slow time, stop bullets mid-flight, or turn those agents into human popsicles.

Back home in Carolina, Lincoln was your typical teenage nobody, suffering through his freshman year of high school. But when puberty suddenly included acquiring powers that belonged in comic books and not real life, Lincoln became a guardian-in-training at the top-secret Atlas Academy. As supernatural undercover agents, guardians use their powers to protect world leaders from dangerous assassins and evil conspiracies.

The guardians are in trouble. Someone has spent the past ten years secretly abducting young guardians before they gained their powers, and now he has coerced them into joining him and his followers as they invade and then take over the academy. After narrowly escaping the initial assault, Lincoln and six fellow recruits embark on a daring mission to free the prisoners and defend their home. Lincoln will stop at nothing to defeat these evildoers, even if it means losing his powers forever.

Though not a guardian, I have been involved in multiple conspiracies, most of which revolve around my three children and the mysterious villain who frames them for his crimes.

THE GUARDIAN LEGACY, a 71,000 word fantasy adventure for early teens, is a standalone novel with series potential. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Comments

I think this is a late Stage 2 or a Stage 3 query :o). You're answering the questions critters posed but have intro'd a couple of new issues. And in the interest of not concentrating on the antagonist because of the questions raised, the query now strays a bit too far into vague territory. But that just means your next revision will likely nail it!

Rogue FBI agents aren’t supposed to have magical swords, glowing grey eyes, or superhuman speed.

Hmm. This seems to be saying that there should be rogue agents in the first place. I'm not sure how these rogue agents fit into the story now that it's clear Linc isn't one of them. Are the rogue agents the same as the army that invades the school? If so, they were never agents, were they, if they were abducted before they got their powers or their training.

Then again, young Lincoln Taylor shouldn’t be able to slow time, stop bullets mid-flight, or turn those agents into human popsicles.

Back home in Carolina,

North or South?

Lincoln was your typical teenage nobody, suffering through his freshman year of high school. But when puberty suddenly included acquiring powers that belonged in comic books and not real life, Lincoln became a guardian-in-training at the top-secret Atlas Academy. As supernatural undercover agents, guardians use their powers to protect world leaders from dangerous assassins and evil conspiracies.

The guardians are in trouble. Someone has spent the past ten years secretly abducting young guardians before they gained their powers,

Those last few sentences are a bit of a tense rollercoaster. I suggest framing as much of this in the present as possible.

and now he has coerced them into joining him and his followers as they invade and then take over the academy.

It's a "someone" but the gender is known? This is the voice of the author deliberately keeping info from the reader.

After narrowly escaping the initial assault, Lincoln and six fellow recruits embark on a daring mission to free the prisoners and defend their home.

There are prisoners? The last version talked about prisoners, but as this one is written, it seems the abducted guardians are the only prisoners.

Lincoln will stop at nothing to defeat these evildoers,

Actually, from this the army seems young and brainwashed. They have my sympathy and calling them evildoers doesn't seem just.

even if it means losing his powers forever.

I don't understand how Linc is in danger of losing his powers?

Though not a guardian, I have been involved in multiple conspiracies, most of which revolve around my three children and the mysterious villain who frames them for his crimes.

The guardians aren't actually involved in the evil conspiracies, so it's not really a logical progression to say you're not a guardian but that you've been involved in some. Also, for best impact, I would move this bit about you to the end. Finish the thought about the book first.

THE GUARDIAN LEGACY, a 71,000 word fantasy adventure for early teens, is a standalone novel with series potential. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

I do like this title better!

My Revision

Your typical bad guys aren’t supposed to have magical swords, glowing grey eyes, or superhuman speed. Then again, young Lincoln Taylor shouldn’t be able to slow time, stop bullets mid-flight, or turn bad guys into human popsicles.

Back home in South Carolina, Lincoln was a teenage nobody, suffering through his freshman year of high school. But when puberty suddenly includes acquiring powers that belong in comic books and not real life, Lincoln becomes a guardian-in-training at the top-secret Atlas Academy. Once a full-fledged guardian, he'll join the ranks of other supernatural undercover agents, using his powers to protect world leaders from dangerous assassins and evil conspiracies.

But first, he and his classmates have to protect themselves.

For the past ten years the Black Baron has gotten to hundreds of young guardians before they've come into their powers -- before the Academy even knows they exist. Under his coercion, they've developed into an army ready to [storm the world] -- just as soon as they get rid of the one thing in their way. With superior power and surprise on their side, they invade the Academy and imprison the staff.

After narrowly escaping the initial assault, Lincoln and six fellow recruits embark on a daring mission to free the prisoners and defend their home. But the cost to defeat these evildoers likely means losing his new powers forever. It may even mean sacrificing his life.

THE GUARDIAN LEGACY, a 71,000 word fantasy adventure for early teens, is a standalone novel with series potential. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Though not a guardian, I routinely foil evil conspiracies, most of which revolve around my three children and the mysterious villain who frames them for his crimes.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

3 comments:

Lela Gwenn said...

I think that you need to mention the bad guys motivation-- you could easily end up being compared to X-men (Professor X vs Magneto) if it isn't sufficiently different-- Which probably wouldn't have been a big deal if the movies hadn't been such a huge hit.

AA said...

I, also, wanted to know how he could be in danger of losing his powers. That sentence really detracts from the rest of it. It's better than the first one, though.

Wilkins MacQueen said...

Serious work needs to go into para 2 and 3 and I'd drop mentioning your kids

The mc is not interesting to me due to stunted puberty which he missed somehow in grades 7 and 8

A "teenage nobody" sounds uncaring to me a throw away phrase that demeans him as your mc I want to know something grand about him as a human beore he turns guardian and his oice breaks with his super powers (1/2 my keyboard is toast sorry)

Best ook orward to the next take