Monday, December 27, 2010

Query 46: Redux

One Fang

Dear (Agent's name),

Hannah is a young lady destined for the Tudor Court until she wakes in the family vault with a hunger for blood. The transition from courtly balls and beaus to seedy streets and cutthroats is bad enough. The change in diet nearly sends her mad. Nothing could be worse – until a monstrous assailant rips out one of her fangs, and she is catapulted back to the Middle Ages.

Trapped in a medieval world where knights slay blood-drinkers and towns are too small to hide in, Hannah has to abandon her genteel upbringing and fight like a fishwife to survive. The ancient vampyre who hauled her back enthrals lesser kin as slaves and uses them for sustenance – but it soon becomes apparent that she's destined for a worse fate. The once-pampered noble finds herself masquerading as a prostitute to stay ahead of his henchmen.

A handsome young knight is the only one who can help her, but he's only one step ahead of the hangman's noose. Their only chance for survival is to find a way to work together, as long as they don't kill each other first. It doesn't help when Hannah falls in love with him – he sees her as a fast road to damnation.

When Hannah learns of a cure for her affliction, the stakes change. She needs to discover how to travel through time, but the master vampyre guards the secret. To learn it, Hannah must track him down and destroy him.

One Fang is a paranormal romance, complete at 85,000 words.

Comments

I think this reads much better -- lots more exciting. Just a couple of spots that need a bit of tweaking, I think, and you'll be ready to start sending this out.

Hannah is a young lady destined for the Tudor Court until she wakes in the family vault with a hunger for blood. The transition from courtly balls and beaus to seedy streets and cutthroats is bad enough. The change in diet nearly sends her mad. Nothing could be worse – until a monstrous assailant rips out one of her fangs, and she is catapulted back to the Middle Ages.

Love this! Up until when she's catapulted back in time. As written, it sounds like having her fang ripped out is the catalyst that sends her back.

Trapped in a medieval world where knights slay blood-drinkers and towns are too small to hide in, Hannah has to abandon her genteel upbringing and fight like a fishwife to survive. The ancient vampyre who hauled her back enthrals lesser kin as slaves and uses them for sustenance – but it soon becomes apparent that she's destined for a worse fate. The once-pampered noble finds herself masquerading as a prostitute to stay ahead of his henchmen.

I made a note as I read this for the first time that "enthralls" has two "l's". Then I looked it up and saw it can be spelled either way. I don't know if I'm in the majority that would think it's misspelled without the second "l".

Again, love this -- up to the last sentence. As written, it sounds like the fate she's destined to is masquerading as a prostitute.

A handsome young knight is the only one who can help her, but he's only one step ahead of the hangman's noose. Their only chance for survival is to find a way to work together, as long as they don't kill each other first. It doesn't help when Hannah falls in love with him – he sees her as a fast road to damnation.

Again, your last sentence here doesn't seem to carry the intent you're looking for. I think we need to see that he has issues with her before we hear "it doesn't help." I would simply turn it around: He sees her as a fast road to damnation. Which would be just fine with her -- if she weren't falling in love with him.

When Hannah learns of a cure for her affliction, the stakes change. She needs to discover how to travel through time, but the master vampyre guards the secret. To learn it, Hannah must track him down and destroy him.

Placing this idea here makes it seem a bit like your novel takes a sharp turn pretty far in and maybe isn't as focused as it could be. It may not be accurate (and it's OK to fudge the query a bit), but placing this idea right before the bit about the knight being the only one who can help her would accomplish two things: making this idea seem more seamless in the story and giving the reader a clue about what help the knight could possibly be and why he's the only one who can help.

One Fang is a paranormal romance, complete at 85,000 words.

Most agents agree to capitalize the title of the book.

No comments: