Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Query 36

Wild Lilly

Wild Lilly is a completed (xxx word) historic/erotic romance. It is set in 1876 in the city of Hartford, Connecticut and the frontier town of Caldwell, Kansas. ((author's note: I don't know if its historic romance or historic erotic romance. The definition of erotica and just a hot romance is SUPER subjective. One publisher's porn is another publisher's erotica is another publisher's romance.))

Lilly Brooks is bored to death with the weak and passive bachelors of the upper class Connecticut society. The key to her salvation and independence is the inheritance of land near the frontier town of Caldwell, Kansas. She heads west in search of her perfect rugged man, and the adventures that are taboo for young ladies of her social standing. She meets her ideal handsome cowboy, Paul McGregor, who saves her from being molested in the saloon district. All of Lilly's erotic cowboy fantasies about her savior go flying out the window when he mistakes her for a prostitute.

The situation goes from bad to worse for Paul when he realizes the stunning blond in the low cut dress is Lilly Brooks, the new owner of the land he desperately needs to keep his ranch going. He decides to seduce her into selling her prime grazing territory to him. His plans change to ideas about marriage as he falls in love with Lilly and her passionate nature. He's not the only one with plans for Lilly. A vile cattle baron, Lee Krisp, will stop at nothing to get her land. Fearing that Lilly will marry Paul, Lee does everything he can to tear them apart.

If she can survive the kidnappings, murder attempts, and hostage situations-Lilly just might have a chance to explore all the love and forbidden pleasures the Wild West has to offer.

Comments

I think this query has good bones. What could help it are to reduce the number of cliches ("go flying out the window," "goes from bad to worse," "vile cattle baron," "will stop at nothing," "does everything he can," etc.) and add a little more original voice that doesn't rely quite so heavily on those cliches.

I would call it a historical romance and add whatever term the publisher uses to describe the heat level of the story. And since you'll likely be submitting directly to publishers, you can also indicate which of their lines or imprints this story fits.

My Revision

Lilly Brooks is bored to death with the weak and passive bachelors of upper-class Connecticut society. What she dreams about is a real cowboy and a dime novel adventure of her own.

When Lilly inherits land near the frontier town of Caldwell, Kansas, she grabs the opportunity for salvation and independence, eagerly heading west to find her perfect rugged man -- and hoping for a taboo escapade or two along the way. What a gentle upbringing doesn't prepare her for are the crude advances of men who've spent far too much time alone on the trail. Just as she's about to get a dose of real life on the prairie, Lilly's erotic cowboy fantasy appears in the flesh to rescue her. One small problem, though: he seems to think she's a prostitute -- and that's one fantasy she isn't ready to indulge. At least, not yet.

Paul McGregor is more than ready to pay for a night or two with the stunning blond in the low-cut dress, until he discovers Lilly is the new owner of the prime grazing land he desperately needs to keep his ranch going. If he can't buy her, then he decides to seduce her into selling. What he doesn't expect is for the eastern lady's passionate nature to seduce him first.

But prime land is harder to come by than a prime bull and cattle baron Lee Krisp is also after Lilly's land. And unlike Paul, Lee's attempts at a land grab aren't subtle and oh-so-seductive.

If she can survive the kidnappings, murder attempts, and hostage situations, Lilly just might have a chance to explore all the love and forbidden pleasures the Wild West has to offer.

Set in 1876, WILD LILLY is a XX-word spicy/erotic historical romance that would fit well with your XXX line. I look forward to sending you the completed manuscript.

2 comments:

vkw said...

Hmm, I didn't like the phrase, "the key to her salvation and independence." It's too much overkill.

I would take out the word "salvation". It's not needed.

Phoenix's revision is better.

It's not a bad query.

Matt said...

The cliches really sink this. It's an author's challenge to come up with original phrases. Try to think of things that a girl on the trail in the 1800s might say.