All Things Together for Good
Anaiiya is a human living among the last gargoyle tribe—and their last defense against a kingdom turned against them. The gargoyles teeter on the brink of starvation despite Anaiiya’s more and more frequent raids on the palace storerooms. Their fate seems sealed when the mad Queen sends a band of fanatics to destroy their tribe once and for all, until Anaiiya blacks out—and awakens covered in blood to find she’s killed every last member of the Queen’s rogue army with her bare hands.
The battle shakes something loose within her...now the river boils when she sings and drops of blood show her visions and play symphonies only she can hear. As Anaiiya flexes her newfound supernatural muscles to defend her beloved tribe, she draws the attention of other magical creatures—both good and evil—who want to use her abilities for their own ends. Now dark forces war for control of the powers she is only beginning to understand. Powers that could save her tribe, or destroy them all.
This revision is much cleaner and much more focused! The writing is strong and would work well as backcover copy.
But does it work as a query? I'm torn. I think this is one that's going to depend on what an agent is looking for. This is all set up. Yet, because we know the genre, the query gives us a reasonable expectation of what the plot is. That would likely be enough for agents looking for very short plot descriptions, but someone like Janet Reid might be peeved that they're not getting the "well, what happens?" piece.
My biggest concern, though, is whether it's hooky enough. Will gargoyles and the writing be enough to pull this out of the generic trope-filled slush? It might, because many fantasy readers read fantasy because they expect -- and want -- certain tropes (same as other genre readers -- I'm not dissing fantasy readers; I'm one myself!).
You could certainly send this out to a handful of agents and see what the response is. I personally prefer this version over the others I've seen. What do other critters out there think?
I do have a few minor tweaks to this version:
- Change "more and more frequent raids" to "increasingly frequent raids"
- Change "their fate" to "the tribe's fate"
- Delete "rogue" from "Queen's rogue army"
- Delete comma between "her tribe" and "or destroy"