Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Query 27: Redux

Duality

If Subject 31 could remember her life, she’s damn sure she’d want it back.

The Humani Project’s latest experiment believes she’s human, but after seeing her sleek black fur, claws, and tail, she’s doesn’t know what to think. Her only clue to an existence before panther DNA was spliced to hers is a fragment of a memory and a name—Janelle.

Imprisoned in the Phoenix , Arizona lab, 31 must complete the grueling, and sometimes deadly, physical assessments administered by resident asshole Dr. Frederick James; her failure will result in immediate termination. To survive, she must tame the wild animal that wants to take over, but she has no idea how. That ability is not in her DNA.

When she fails one of the exams, she’s surprised that Dr. Lorenzo Fernandez—the Project’s founder—breaks protocol to save her from the creature about to kill her. But when he calls her “Janelle,” 31 understands that somehow the scientists have erased someone connected to them. Someone who deserves to understand her fate.

Solving the mystery surrounding her new life will prove more dangerous than she realizes. The closer she gets to piecing together her past, the harder she has to fight to stay alive. Buried in her past is knowledge that could bring the Project to its knees, and Dr. James will do anything to protect the Project—including terminate its greatest success to date.

DUALITY is a science fiction novel complete at 114,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Comments

I think this is almost there! Just a few last tweaks and you should be ready to send it out.

Good to here, then ...

Imprisoned in the Phoenix , Arizona lab, 31 must complete the grueling, and sometimes deadly, physical assessments administered by resident asshole Dr. Frederick James. To fail means immediate termination. To survive, she must tame the wild animal that wants to take over--only she has no idea how. That ability wasn't coded into her new DNA.

When she fails one of the exams, she’s surprised that Dr. Lorenzo Fernandez—the Project’s founder—breaks protocol to save her from the creature about to kill her.

I've read this sentence a couple of times and am not sure if it means she somehow failed a physical examination (which wouldn't be grueling or deadly) and they sent a creature to terminate her, or if the creature was the test itself, in which case "exam" doesn't seem to be the right word. I also don't think we need the doctor's name or that he's the founder here. I think "... that another doctor breaks protocol" would work.

But when he calls her “Janelle,” 31 understands that somehow the scientists have erased someone once connected to them. Someone who deserves to understand her fate.

Solving the mystery surrounding her new life will prove more dangerous than she realizes.

Is there something you could use here instead that isn't quite so vague? I'm not sure why she realizes/thinks it will be dangerous. Also, you'll want to keep the sentence in present rather than future tense.  

Janelle realizes the danger of trying to solve the mystery surrounding her new life when X happens.

The closer she gets to piecing together her past, the harder she has to fight to stay alive. For buried in her past is knowledge that could bring the Pproject to its knees, and Dr. James will do anything to protect it—including terminate its greatest success to date.

Sounds exciting!

6 comments:

lexcade said...

eep!!!! thank you! I'm so excited to start revising and hopefully start sending this out again. Thanks so much for your help!

Wilkins MacQueen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wilkins MacQueen said...

Killer opening sentence. Congrats. I'd read on, embrace the Divine Miss P's expertise and I'll bet you are on your way.

Nice writing.

Mac

vkw said...

Very good and very nice job. vkw

lexcade said...

thanks, guys :) much appreciated!

Matt said...

Looking good