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Face-Lift 773 - Genevieve: Return to Aefre
Destin is nothing special, just another body among the living, content with the simplistic life he leads.
Being comfortable was never an issue, until he was attacked by a hooded figure wielding flaming spheres and interrogated by a detective about his possession of a letter and strange remedy book. The book is the source of his new trouble land abilities of magic now his forced companion. Over concerns for Destin's safety, the detective thrusts Destin into another realm, the magical one.
The land of Aefre is a land of dreams with bugs no longer an issue, cars nonexistent, and the means to live well within every person's grasp. As Destin explores Aefre he encounters a world that is free of the obsessing nature of money and offers a life of time spent in the pursuit of dragons, dwarves, and knowledge.
When Destin's book is revealed as more than just a method of entertainment but a mythical potions text, he is set with the task of defending the book from a power hungry individual, and ultimately the protection of Aefre.
Phalon is a collector of magical items, intent on increasing his own power any way that he can. Lying, stealing, and killing are nothing in the pursuit of greatness and when he finds that Destin has the book he desperately wants, chase ensures. But he never expects to be thwarted by someone devoid of natural magical talent. Destin perseveres using the powers of the book to defend himself and his friends from Phalon's goons, though he is provided with warnings that to harness these powers could bring disastrous repercussions.
Destin continues to forge an existence in Aefre through romantic relations, friendships, and acquiring a home in an attempt at normalcy while he waits for Phalon's next move. The final attack by a band of Phalon's thieves leaves Destin ready to end the cat and mouse chase. He extends an offer to Phalon for a one-on-one duel in an upcoming Wizard Tournament, not knowing if his challenge will solve his problems and if he can keep his possession a secret from the rest of the realm in the process.
Genevieve: Return to Aefre is a contemporary fantasy of 88,000 words. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
You've introduced the antagonist in your revision, which helps the reader better understand the stakes, so that's excellent. However, the query is a bit long and wordy. The good news is that the wordiness makes it easy to edit down. The bad news is that it's missing a hook -- something unique that distinquishes the story from other fantasy novels. Something to make it pop out of the slush pile. What's the unique take on convention that will compel a reader to grab this book up rather than the next one on the shelf?
Here's my revision suggestion for cutting away some of the chaff and getting to the kernel of your story:
Destin is a simple man, just another body among the living -- until he's attacked by a hooded figure wielding flaming spheres. As if that weren't enough, a detective's started snooping around, asking about a certain letter and the strange home-remedy book Destin's recently discovered. A book that confers an array of disturbing and potent magical powers on Destin. To keep him safe, the detective thrusts him into Aefre, a magical realm.
At first, Aefre appears idyllic: It's peaceful, technology-free and money-free, with plenty of time to spend in the pursuit of dragons, dwarves, and knowledge. Time even for a home and a bit of romance. But this Eden, too, has a serpent. Power-mad Phalon is a collector -- and consumer -- of all things magical. And he's willing to lie, steal or kill in pursuit of greatness. Destin's book, a mythical potions text, draws Phalon's interest and fuels his greed. He and his goons hunt Destin, determined to take the book's power for his own and make Aefre his.
Using the book's powers, Destin thwarts Phalon's band of thieves. Phalon, himself, though, isn't so easily defeated. Destin challenges him to public one-on-one combat in an upcoming Wizard Tournament, determined to put an end to Phalon's bid for supremacy. But Phalon's magic is strong, and to counter it means Destin will have to draw even more power from the book, an act that threatens disastrous repercussions for him and for the realm he desperately wants to save.
GENEVIEVE: RETURN TO AEFRE is a contemporary fantasy of 88,000 words. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.