Face-Lift 800: Redemption
When Bane Thomas moves to Mills River to purchase land that he believes encompasses an Armistice Zone, land which prohibits demons and the fallen from doing harm, he gets more than what he bargains for.
In hopes to persuade the Anderson’s to sell, Bane finances a project that is near and dear to their hearts-a crisis center for domestic violence. However, once he meets his newly acquired co-worker Reighlyn Anderson, he inadvertently learns two things: selling is not in her vocabulary, and he’s with out a doubt in love with her.
After witnessing what can only be explained as -reading thoughts and manipulating minds, Reighlyn’s convinced there’s something different about Bane. However her newly acquired love for him causes her to ignore all suspicions, that is- until he’s forced to reveal his angelic abilities to save her life, and she discovers that he’s also the despised developer after their land. Feeling afraid and manipulated, she relies on her best friend Alex for support, which causes Bane to fear that he’s lost her forever. In attempt to explain his deceit, he finds himself telling her a secret that he’s never told anyone, that he’s a descendant of The Watchers-cursed to become that which he despises most-a demon. Reighlyn accepts the necessary dangers to love Bane, even if with his cursed soul, he can’t promise her eternity. But when Bane witnesses not only Alex hurting her, but her brother-in-law’s attempt to murder her, he realizes demonic influences are targeting her for some reason.
Once it’s discovered that it’s a punished demon amongst them, Bane fears he’s put her in more danger than he once believed possible. Desperate to prevent his own destruction the demon wants to create a gift for Satan. A gift of pure hate dwelling within Bane; hate so overwhelming he’ll beg to die, thus permitting Satan to capture an eluding Thomas into servitude. The problem is, the demon plans on using Reighlyn’s death as the currency in which to purchase this gift. Which lands Bane in a battle against evil to rescue the one person he never thought could literally exist: his soul mate.
Redemption is a complete 93,000-word paranormal romance. I’d like to thank you for your time and your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
This still strays a bit into synopsis land. It needs considerable paring down and tightening -- a couple more turns of the wrench, if you will.
Aside from too much detail, there are a lot of unnecessary words here. Not only do they bloat your word count in a query where every single word must carry weight, they get in the way of what you're trying to tell us. Take, for instance, "I'd like to thank you..." Because you use the conditional "would", you're actually throwing doubt into this simple, seemingly innocuous phrase. Hmm, the reader thinks. Thanking me is something she would like to do, but is something getting in the way? Can she not really do it?
A query needs to demonstrate a strong command of language to stand out from all the other queries agents get. So step one is to take a pass through what you have and see how much you can edit out to make each sentence and every word count. For example, nothing is lost by deleting "his newly acquired co-worker" or "inadvertently" (which isn't really the right word anyway) from the second paragraph.
In P3, "he finds himself telling her a secret that he’s never told anyone" becomes "he reveals". You should be able to knock 50 words out of this query just by simplifying your sentences.
One thing that had me off-kilter from the first was just who "the Andersons" are. I immediately thought it was a couple, so when R&B fall for one another, I thought there was some cheating going on. Simplify it to just being R's land to avoid any misconceptions.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Query Revision 20
Face-Lift 800: Redemption