Monday, July 26, 2010

More Feedback, Please

Mike has posted a new version of his query for the manuscript formerly known as A Tale of Youth and Sorrow in the comments. Please take a look.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm brain dead but I can't find Mike's Redemption revision. clicked everywhere I could think of - I'm sure it's me but can't locate it. Or the original.
Bibi

Amy said...

Ya, I couldn't find it either. It's actually my query (I don't know who Mike is), so I'll post here in the comments if it will let me. :) ___________________________________Dear Agent:

When Bane Thomas moves to Mills River to purchase land that he believes encompasses an Armistice Zone, land which prohibits demons and the fallen from doing harm, he gets more than what he bargains for.

In hopes to persuade the Anderson’s to sell, Bane finances a project that is near and dear to their hearts-a crisis center for domestic violence. However, once Reighlyn Anderson returns home from college to help complete the center, he inadvertently learns two things: selling is not in her vocabulary, and he’s with out a doubt falling in love with her.

After witnessing what can only be explained as -reading thoughts and manipulating minds, Reighlyn’s convinced there’s something different about Bane. However her newly acquired love for him causes her to ignore all suspicions, that is- until he’s forced to reveal his angelic abilities to save her life, and she discovers that he’s also the despised developer after their land. Feeling afraid and manipulated, she relies on her best friend Alex for support, which causes Bane to fear that he’s lost her forever. In attempt to explain his deceit, he finds himself telling her a secret that he’s never told anyone, that he’s a descendant of The Watchers-cursed to become that which he despises most-a demon. Reighlyn accepts the necessary dangers to love Bane, even if with his cursed soul, he can’t promise her eternity. But when Bane witnesses not only Alex hurting her, but her brother-in-law’s attempt to murder her, he realizes demonic influences are targeting her for some reason.

Once it’s discovered that it’s a punished demon amongst them, Bane fears he’s put her in more danger than he once believed possible. Desperate to prevent his own destruction the demon wants to create a gift for Satan. A gift of pure hate dwelling within Bane; hate so overwhelming he’ll beg to die, thus permitting Satan to capture an eluding Thomas into servitude. The problem is, the demon plans on using Reighlyn’s death as the currency in which to purchase this gift. Which lands Bane in a battle against evil to rescue the one person he never thought could literally exist: his soul mate.

Redemption is a complete 93,000-word paranormal romance. I’d like to thank you for your time and your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Michelle Massaro said...

This needs to be simplified and stripped waayy down. Too much information, too many names, too much detail. KISS:

Bane wants to buy land within a supernatural Zone protected from evil and demonic activity. He falls for Reighlyn, the owner's daughter, but she refuses to sell their land and also uncovers his secret- that he is destined to become a demon. It's a destiny he's running from and now he's unwittingly pulled Reighlyn into the battle for his soul. With his soul-mate in eternal danger, the stakes have been raised for Bane- but so has his resolve.
***

That's all the info we need to get out of the query. Now add a little bit of flair and make it shine and we'll take another peek. Sounds like an interesting story! =)

Phoenix said...

Sorry, so sorry. I screwed up the name of Mike's book (which right now doesn't have a title). Corrected now.

Amy, I posted your query as a real post today and made some comments.

Michelle: I reposted your comment over there.

I'll ask EE to point others this way on Monday.