Face-Lift 777: Alamandine's Song
Mandi Croach knew she was half faery, but that didn't mean much to her. Her parents were dead, and though she and her full-fae aunt ran a magical jewelry store in Philadelphia, she was nothing more than a Tufts-educated checkout girl.
In a single moment all that changes. It seems her aunt has been hiding a few things: Mom is alive, reigning as Queen of the Star Court; her son, Prince Prase, has been kidnapped; and Mandi's father didn't drown--he was murdered.
As she pursues her father's murderer, Mandi realizes there are powerful forces in Faelyn that don't want her to succeed, including her mother's new husband, the King. If she is to have any hope of getting her life back; a life made more interesting by the addition of sexy, yet sweet, Chase Ballentine; she'll need a bargaining chip--and the Prince may be the most valuable one.
With two exceptions I like the first two paragraphs:
- I think the first paragraph should be in present tense.
- In a single moment all that changes is too convenient. WHY does all that change? This is, I think, an important detail. Replacing "In a single moment" with the detail of that moment should be enough to take this from a vague moment to a concrete one: "But when X happens, the truths that once shaped her life suddenly change" type of thing.
- I don't know why she's pursuing her father's murderer or how she knows who murdered him.
- What does "succeed" mean? Simply finding the killer, pointing him out, or killing him? Is she a victim seeking justice by trial and jury or a vigilante? I do like how you've woven the king into that sentence, though I'm nor sure why King and Prince are capitalized when not being used as proper nouns.
- I don't yet know what Faelyn is or how she got there.
- Chase B seems to come out of nowhere. If he's part of her old life, he should show up in the first paragraph, which would, of course, require a complete revision as to how the first two paragraphs are set up.
- What good will a bargaining chip do her and is she thinking about kidnapping the already kidnapped prince to use him as one? It likely makes sense in the context of the book, but I'm struggling with it here.