Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Query Revision 7

Face-Lift 729: Forest

Thanks for your help - especially Pheonix! (Ahh, thank YOU, Author) Here's V5...

Dear Editor,

In thirteen-year-old Jesse’s hometown, everyone knows robotic technology was outlawed soon after the apocalypse. Then a post-mortem reveals that a seemingly human girl was actually an android. Fearing another rise of the machines, Jesse’s paranoid community initiates lockdown and begins a widespread hunt for other humanoid robots.

Having known the dead girl, Jesse can’t believe she was anything but human. Even Forest, a strange boy Jesse meets outside the town’s protective walls, thinks the current paranoia is excessive. Sharing that belief, the two make a pact to discover the truth.

Their growing friendship is jeopardized, though, when the mysterious Dr. Frey arrives. Jesse’s instinctive distrust of the man is borne out when the doctor reveals that he’s a scientist specializing in the creation of humanoid robots – and that Jesse himself is one of his creations. But it isn’t Jesse he’s come back for. Dr. Frey claims Forest possesses a dangerous power that must be destroyed – and he plans to make Jesse to do just that.

At 50,000 words, Forest is middle-grade science fiction focused on friendship and the inner humanity shared by all beings, even living machines. Thank you for your consideration of my completed novel.

Sincerely,

Comments

The author has come a long way! S/he has filled in a few gaps in this version that EE's minions and I left for the author in previous comments, and as is, I think it's ready to go off on a first test round to see how it plays to the pros.

I would capitalize the name of the work in the query, but that's not a hard-and-fast rule (few things in query land are!).

If anything trips the rest of you up, please let the author know in the comments.

7 comments:

Sarah Laurenson said...

Just a few minor suggestions:

In thirteen-year-old Jesse’s hometown, robotic technology was outlawed soon after the apocalypse. Yet a post-mortem reveals that a seemingly human girl was actually an android. Fearing another rise of the machines [very Terminator], Jesse’s paranoid community begins a widespread hunt for other humanoid robots.

Having known the dead girl, Jesse can’t believe she was anything but human. Even Forest, a strange boy Jesse meets outside the town’s protective walls, thinks the current paranoia is excessive. The two make a pact to discover the truth.

Their growing friendship is jeopardized when the mysterious Dr. Frey arrives. Jesse’s distrust of the man is borne out when the doctor reveals that he’s a scientist specializing in the creation of humanoid robots – and that Jesse is one of his creations. But it isn’t Jesse he’s come back for. Dr. Frey claims Forest possesses a dangerous power that must be destroyed – and he plans to make Jesse do just that.

At 50,000 words, Forest is middle-grade science fiction focused on friendship and the inner humanity shared by all beings, even living machines. Thank you for your consideration. [Completed is not necessary to state.]

Matthew said...

Looks good enough to me.

_*rachel*_ said...

Yes, this is ready.

fairyhedgehog said...

This is looking good. It sounds like an interesting story. Good luck with the querying!

Chris Eldin said...

Awesome query!
I have a nit, and I could even be wrong (I should Google before typing this comment, but I'm too lazy).
Wasn't there a series about Shadow children... I think one of the characters was named Jesse. I have to look this up. Author.. Patricia G (Graff, Geif,) I have to look up author name too.

Okay, I guess I'll be back.
:-)
Cool query though!!

Chris Eldin said...

Okay, author last name is Hadix, and there is no Jesse in her series. Clearly, remembering names is not my strength.
Good luck!

Tom said...

Awww. I keep coming in too late and everyone steals my suggestions.

One tiny thing. I think that saying 'even Forest' is off. Forest is an outsider so naturally he is going to think the towns-peoples' paranoia is a bad thing.

This is a big improvement over the original.