Friday, May 21, 2010

Query Revision 11

Face-Lift 730: The Minion and the Mistress

Dear Famous ePublisher,

I am seeking a publisher for “The Minion and the Mistress”, a fun and fast-paced story of heroic trolls, supernatural mobsters and an unlikely true love. This novella is a romance with fantasy elements, complete at 41,000 words.

Since her earliest childhood when she was kidnapped by fairies, Annith has lived under the protection of Metellus, a minor demon and a small-time crime lord. Metellus rules a pocket of fae-folk hiding in the mortal realm, and he’s always treated Annith as his beloved daughter. Now, though, she’s grown up, rounded out, and Metellus has acquired some wandering hands. His advances turn forceful, and Annith becomes increasingly frantic to escape the only home she’s ever known.

Metellus, fearing she’ll escape him, assigns a massive troll, Ruuk, to be her “bodyguard.” Annith is ready to bash Ruuk’s head in if it will get her away from Metellus, but as she gets to know the soft-spoken troll, she finds he’s kind and funny—sweet even. The seven-foot lug might even be in over his head. He seems to be losing his spirit bit by bit with every job he works for the ruthless Metellus, and she’s worried what’ll be left of her troll if he keeps this up.

But when it comes down to achieving her freedom or saving the troll she’s increasingly come to care for, Annith has to decide if she really will do anything (and sacrifice anyone) to get herself away from Metellus.

Under my pen name XYZ, I recently sold my YA fantasy novel, “XYZ” to XYZ Publishing, and I’ve also got a short story in Whispers Publishing’s upcoming Erotiquick anthology.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,

Comments
 
Overall, I really like this query and the concept of the story as you've presented it. You've got nice voice coming through, especially in P3. The opening paragraph is succinct and well done.

I only have a couple of minor quibbles.

P2: I think giving us "beloved" in one sentence followed by near-rape in the next is too wide a swing. I doubt 40K words gives you time to explore the softer side of Metellus, so maybe don't mention it?

P4: I'm not clear what the conflict is here. She'll save the troll if she remains with Metellus? But won't Ruuk still be working for Metellus and be losing his spirit even more? Or will Metellus kill him?

Also, this paragraph seems to turn the story a bit darker than the "fun and fast-paced" story promised in the first paragraph. I'm going to suggest adding a clever wrapup sentence at the end that points back to the voice in the rest of the query and promises a light ending. You'll note in my revise below that I couldn't come up with one, so I put down some substandard choices as prompts for the witty one YOU'LL come up with ;o)


My Revised Version

Dear Famous ePublisher,

I am seeking a publisher for “The Minion and the Mistress”, a fun and fast-paced story of heroic trolls, supernatural mobsters and an unlikely true love. This novella is a romance with fantasy elements, complete at 41,000 words.

Since her earliest childhood when she was kidnapped by fairies, Annith has lived under the protection of Metellus, a minor demon and small-time crime lord who rules a pocket of fae-folk hiding in the mortal realm. Now that she’s grown up and rounded out, Annith notices Metellus has acquired some wandering hands. When his advances turn forceful, she becomes frantic to escape the only home she’s ever known.

Quick to forestall her flight plans, Metellus assigns a massive troll, Ruuk, to be her “bodyguard.” Annith is ready to bash Ruuk’s head in if it will get her away from Metellus, but as she gets to know the soft-spoken troll, she finds he’s kind and funny—sweet even. The seven-foot lug might even be in over his head working for the ruthless Metellus. He does seem to be losing his spirit bit by bit with every job, and she worries what’ll be left of her troll if he keeps it up.

Annith must decide now if she really will do anything -- and sacrifice anyone -- to get away from Metellus. Because if she makes good on her bid for freedom, Metellus will surely kill the troll as punishment for not stopping her. [Insert clever sentence here.]
  • It's going to take more than a sprinkle of fairy dust to solve this one.
  • Leave it to a simple troll to make things complicated.
  • Demons know how to take a dysfunctional family moment to the extreme.
  • Seems mob families are the same the worlds over.
I recently sold my YA fantasy novel, “XYZ” to XYZ Publishing, and I’ve got a short story in Whispers Publishing’s upcoming Erotiquick anthology.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,
Real Name (w/a Pen Name)

5 comments:

Stephen Prosapio said...

XYZ, congrats on the sale and good luck with this query. It's good to go!

Anonymous said...

A bit like Shrek, no?

fairyhedgehog said...

This is looking good.

_*rachel*_ said...

It's ready to send out. Tell us when you get results; I want to read it.

Tom said...

This is a much better version that the original over at EE's place. Great work!