Face-Lift 755: The Burning Times
Is this better...I tried to follow your guidance and answer all your questions...Make me bloody again I guess...lol...I will continue to improve it until it's right...
The following is a query for my approximately 102,000 word novel entitled: The Burning Times.
It's our world, with one difference: It doesn’t exist…No one knows how or when it happened, but the planet below was scorched 20,000 years ago, leaving it in a state of ruin, and mankind left to fend for itself in a space city now called Galantria. A prophecy foretelling the future of the planet said that one day the Bringer of Life would rise again. The prophecy was forgotten and mankind moved on…evolving…thriving and building a new society.
C’ La Andria- They are the modern day Merlin and the lawmakers. Their Spiritual Guidance is often called upon during times of crisis.
Dream Dancer- an outlawed mystic power that uses mind manipulation to control a victim. Jarik is such creature. His ultimate goal is to feed his hunger for death and is fulfilled by causing Lord Paxton to kill his wife. Lord Paxton is then put to death in an incinerator and his daughter Sheria is banished to the ground below. The only person Jarik fears is the one who gives him his orders in secret. He doesn’t know his name or what he looks like, but he knows the power the person has and obeys without question.
Stavon is Sheria’s true love. He has a twin sister named Dallia. On her wedding, Stavon fakes his death so he can join his love. There he finds out about that his father, Lord Cyrus has known all along that the ground below is inhabitable again and has been using the survivors as slaves. This is punishable by death according to the laws of the C’ La Andria.
Jarik decides his hunger for killing is not satisfied and he attacks Stavon’s mother, Lady Alleanna, putting her in a coma. This enables the C’ La Andria to learn the identity of the dream dancer and forces Jarik to escape to Mars. When she awakens from her coma, Jarik returns for revenge and hopes to kill Dallia’s new born son in front of her. Lady Alleanna kills Jarik and saves the baby.
With Sheria and Stavon leading them, the ground dwellers are at full force and attack Galantria, letting everyone know the planet is once again inhabitable. Dallia finds out her twin brother has been alive all along and feels betrayed. She is forced to watch as her father pays for his crimes. She signs a treaty in his stead, momentarily, stopping the war before it begins.
The best thing about having the courage to share your initial drafts with strangers who truly have your best interest at heart is that you have the opportunity to work the kinks out before someone who matters sees it. You only get one shot.
Figuring out exactly what a query is is the first step to creating one that gets requests. This revision isn't exactly what agents are looking for in a query letter. Let's take a look at some of the red flags that have all to do with structure. You'll need to be able to get these right before even thinking about whether the story itself will wow a reader.
- Genre: Word count and title are good, but we also need to know what kind of story you think you're telling.
- Names: Too many slows a reader down. Use descriptors in place of names when possible.
- Characters: Stick to just the two or three main characters that carry the weight of the story.
- Plot: Stick to the main plot. You may allude to subplots if they are relevant to your genre. For example, in a romantic suspense, you'll want to demonstrate both the romance and the suspense in the query to assure the agent the work is marketable.
- Synopsis: Keep it short. A 3-paragraph synopsis in a query is not the same as the separate synopsis. Let us know what is unique about your plot and/or characters but don't give us the chapter-by-chapter play of how your story unfolds. The query is the sense of the story told using some well-chosen details. A synopsis is the progression of the story that demonstrates it all hangs together.